Hello Inner Child!

It takes much rethinking to land on a topic to write about. There is just so much I want to talk about. And there is so little I feel confident to write about. But I see, it is time to give up on my obsession with perfection. I have always craved an unfiltered unapologetic life. But what I’ve been doing was the opposite. I was rethinking, rewriting, erasing, resketching, editing, and recoloring my creative pursuit. But perhaps the best way to represent myself comes without those bits. The little flaws are just part of me. To quote Bob Ross: “There are no mistakes but happy accidents

In the last few months, I returned to every bit of happy and sad childhood and adulthood memories. I processed them and analyzed them, and I feel that finally, I was finally able to connect the missing dots I’ve been longing for. The same questions that as a kid I spent days on end in my room in my parents’ home. The endless pages of diary entries that were the closest companions of my childhood. The wonders that the 45 minutes of weekly therapy had done are difficult to explain in words. And I am moving forward with a lot of growth. It feels slightly strange to dump it all here. Not because it is intimate, but because it feels surreal to accept the results of that process. It was a bittersweet moment to realize that no matter how much life had changed, I was still that shy kid who wrote pages and pages about his insecurities in his bedroom.

Everyone goes through change. My life had immensely changed with my plan to move to Germany. And it was an exhausting but beautiful process to reinvent myself in all that. To open a box of colors to finally express myself as I am, and to embrace my timid, mellow anxious self. But there were things that made me myself at the end of the day. And it belonged to all that I did as a kid. He painted, wrote poems, and immersed himself in his own little universe whenever life threw a curve ball at him. And I neglected all that thinking everything is different now. Everything is indeed somewhat different, but my inner child is just the same. And addressing my issues was an act of consoling him, and telling him that he is safe, happy and he is in control of his life.

Life is exciting and strange and all in all a rollercoaster. I have been trying hard to do a lot of things at once. I have been trying to invent myself from the saved Pinterest posts and Instagram reels, and sometimes I fail to question whether is it all genuine. And I wanted everything to be perfect (-whatever the definition of that would be!). Now I see that I failed to ask my inner child on this matter. And sometimes, at least in my case, the most fitting, the most appealing ideas come from what I already know. It is priceless the freedom I experience at this point, and I say “I am content”.

I am not saying I can keep a stoic face at all times and always talk about life based on philosophies. And I still cringe at bragging about all these revelations although I am pretty proud of that at the same time. I may laugh, cry, get angry, throw a tantrum, or get anxious from time to time. That’s just part of life! But there is a relief in accepting that my childhood played a prominent role in shaping the way I approach life, and my growth from this point forward requires understanding my inner child, and carefully editing what to follow and what not. It does feel like I have had a second life for the last few years, but it only is an update, and that is a good thing. So I will try and try to keep connecting the dots, from my past to present to future. It helps me appreciate the life I have. It eases my path to self-acceptance. What more could I ask for!

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